Thursday, December 11, 2008

Addicted to love

I love drinking beer. It makes me smarter, funnier, sexier, and I think I am actually even better in bed.
Well, I think that the very first part of the last sentence is true. At least it used to be. These days, not so much.
I haven't even tried to drink in quite some time, and I don't miss it. I also gave up on coffee, which made me a better writer and more awake. And I am not eating meat anymore. Which used to make me really strong. And I think, also better in bed.
Drugs...Those are gone too.
But the thing that I gave up that I miss the most is smoking. God! How I loved to smoke. Smoking really was the gift
from the gods that once made me feel whole. I was never lonely or long on any kind of writer's block or depression when a half full pack of cigarettes was within reach. I loved the smell of cigarettes and the way that they made me fell warm when it was freezing outside. I loved the way that they put the finishing touches on a great meal or were the perfect length to pause and look and wait before going back to business on whatever thing I was doing, thus making that whatever thing that I was doing seem important. Sometimes, these days, I find myself looking up and staring at that space near the ceiling and thinking a sigh, and then I notice, my fingers... The two fingers are pointing out there with the thumb close behind, grasping for the missing cigarette like a phantom limb.
I was talking to a friend about cigarettes the other day. He had quit for over a month recently, but found that he just felt sad all the time and had to go back to his first love. I couldn't blame him and in fact I was jealous. I would have, in the past, almost automatically , upon hanging up the phone, put on my shoes and a jacket and gone out into the cold night for a pack of cigarettes in another part of my life, and joined him in spirit. But no. I can't do that anymore. To me, cigarettes at the thing that will bring down this house of cards that I have built. I mean, I am not a weak person, I am just someone who likes to finish what I started. Once I open that can of worms, well it won't be long before I am adding on the coffee. Then the chocolates. Steak won't be far behind, followed by anything made of pork that I can get down in Chinatown. And sure, bourbon goes great with cigarettes as I remember....and then finally beer and drugs and I will be back were I started killing myself with all the things that I love.
Not a bad way to go, I would argue. But I am not ready for the early exit. At least if I can help it.


SCL said...


I read all your posts - think they are great - and have real resonance with me - empathy - not sympathy - in a mail-art way would you like to swap a piece of art work - something small ( cheap postage !) A5 / A4 max on paper ?

Choose a theme ?


Spyder Darling said...


Congrats on the hard scrubbed clean slate. But to quote the late, eteranlly tipsy Dean Martin "You mean when you get up in the morning that's as good as you feel all day?"

david kramer said...

Spyder- Dude-that made me laugh out loud.

david kramer said...

Steve- Let's talk...
And thanks.

middleworld said...

It was Sibelius who said "All the doctors who told me to stop drinking and smoking are dead"

However he did burn his eighth symphony at the age of 80. Lived to 92. Considered one of the greatest of the twentieth century.

what do I know

"just goes to show ya don't ever know"
died of an overdose

Bunuel- 5 gin and tonics a day, started at noon.

hang in there-

Lorrie Veasey said...

God damn they better have Marlborough Lights in Heaven, that's all I'm sayin.

Danny S said...

All right. Booze. Gone. Fine.

Cigs. Bye Bye. OK

Coffee? Huh? HOW??? And still write? HOW!!!!?



Danny S - RLRA
Real Live Recovered Alcoholic

Marshall Bialas said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
david kramer said...

Hi Marshall-
Best of luck to you.
I hope you find some good work soon.
I miss smoking ...........the most...

Listen- I don't do any of that AA stuff. It works for lots of people but I got the shit scared out of me when my liver started to balk.
I never had a real dependency issue with alcohol (unlike cigs which I was and still am totally hooked on) I just drank without ever thinking about it. It was fun while it lasted.
But I'm afraid to touch the stuff again.

Dan Callahan said...

I was a moderate smoker nor did I drink coffee till I stopped drinking. At the time self help meetings smoking was the rule not the exception. I smoked heavily till one day I had a respiratory infection and tried to smoke. I thought this is nuts! So I stopped, but in those first few early years in recovery I feared smoking because I thought it was a beginning to drinking again! Thanks for the reminder, I enjoy your posts.

Dan Callahan

Anonymous said...

I haven't smoked for 106 days. not that I am counting. never been so lonely in my life.

Chris Tolomei aka alicethelma said...

Just celebrated two years tobacco free on 12/12 (how ironic eh?) and man do I hear you. Cigarettes were the best. Still miss them. When I get angry or sad or lonely or depressed or even happy - the first thing I want is a cigarette! Not a drink but a cigarette. I think coffee will be the next to go for me. It makes me a real bitch!

Wow Gold said...

WOW GOLD, nice blog. its worth reading. I liked it very much

Anonymous said...

I wish not agree on it. I assume nice post. Specially the title-deed attracted me to read the intact story.

Anonymous said...

Amiable dispatch and this post helped me alot in my college assignement. Say thank you you as your information.